Enough To Forget
by Kurissyma san Tybalt
Summary: Emily has a drinking habit. One morning, after the conclusion of a particularly rough case, she awakens in JJ's bed with a severe case of 'What the bloody hell happened last night' Emily/JJ, rated for language and (somewhat) mature themes. Oneshot.


**Enough To Forget**

I don't wake up in other women's beds and they don't wake up in mine. _I_ barely wake up in my bed half the time. Sometimes it's out on the couch, sometimes it's on the floor in the bathroom, sometimes I'm still in my fucking car. I know I've got a problem. I don't let it interfere with my work. When I go out with the team I even manage to limit myself. One beer. Okay two, two is normal. Three isn't _abnormal_. I leave before I can order number four. Hit another bar, alone.

Never in my life have I allowed myself to get really, truly drunk with anyone I work with. Never have I crossed that line, given a colleague even the slightest reason to suspect something was wrong with me.

So how was it I'd woken up in her bed with no memory of how I got there?

It took me several minutes to attach myself to the feeling in my limbs, to be able to feel thin sheet above me and the t-shirt I was wearing. My legs were bare but I was still wearing underwear—alway a good sign.

Moving one hand, as subtly as I could, I felt the t-shirt. It wasn't the one I'd been wearing last night—it was looser, longer. I also didn't smell as bad as I usually did when I woke up after a night of drinking. Maybe my sweat glands had shut down around the same time as my brain. But then I didn't smell like booze either. Which was weird because I legitimately couldn't remember a thing...

Reluctantly I inclined my head toward _her_. The very reason I never stayed overnight with women, or allowed them to stay with me. The sex, that was a much-needed distraction, a release. But I dreaded the moment it was all over and I had to roll over and acknowledge the fact that I'd picked up yet another easy blonde in lieu of the woman I really wanted.

Now here we were and I had no idea why.

I was relieved to see that JJ's eyes were closed. It gave me a chance to study her. She slept on her right side, facing me, curled into a loose ball. I could see one hand fisted in the sheets, while the other was covered. The furrow of her brow gave the impression that she was anxious even in her dreams and that was almost startling—if anything _could_ startle me right now. JJ could keep a straight face through almost anything; it was part of what made her so good at her job.

I wanted to reach out and soothe her but I was frozen. Did I really have any right to touch her until I figured out what had happened between us?

I'd been so good at hiding my problem so far, what could've gone wrong?

As a soft, sad moan escaped JJ's lips I lost my resolve. I'd clearly gone and fucked everything else up, why not this too…? I shifted my body closer and reached my hand out to touch her cheek. I felt it quiver beneath my hand as her breath caught. She didn't open her eyes.

"Jennifer?" I asked quietly, using her full name. _Go on, Prentiss. Break another boundary, you're good at that._

Still she didn't open her eyes, yet I sensed that she was awake, listening.

"Jennifer, I don't remember last night at all. If I did something to upset you, you'd better tell me about it so I can apologise."

That did it. Her eyes slid open. For a few moments she regarded me in silence, then—"You really don't remember anything?"

"I... lose time sometimes."

"This has happened before?"

I could only nod as a lump rose in my throat. I swallowed it down. "I assume I drank too much and you took care of me. I'm sorry I put you in that position."

"You don't sound concerned at all," JJ pointed out, her fingertips lightly brushing my wrist. Still, she didn't try to shift my hand from her cheek.

"I _am_ concerned, Jen. I promise. I'm sorry."

"No, I don't mean concerned about giving me trouble," JJ interrupted. "I mean you don't seem concerned about _yourself_. Losing time."

Now I pulled my hand back, tucking it into my chest protectively. I should've sat up. I should've moved this conversation from her bed to somewhere I could better control myself. I didn't.

"Em, do you always keep drinking after you leave us at the bar?"

So that was it. I'd expected as much. She had to have followed me after I left. This was where I was supposed to deny everything, swear blind it was a one-time thing. Except, for God's sake, why did it have to be JJ asking that question? I could've resisted anyone else.

"Almost always," I found myself admitting but even that was a bit of a lie. I never went straight home to bed. It was too fucking lonely.

"And do you always drink this much?"

"I don't remember how much I drank last night," I replied evasively. "So I don't know."

"Enough to forget," JJ clarified and that struck a bitterly humorous note with me.

"Yes," I said. "One way or another—enough to forget."

_"What are __**you**__ doing here?"_

_"I was worried, Em. I saw your cab take off in the opposite direction to your place so I followed you."_

_"__**Profilers**__," I bit out. "Don't you know enough to understand that I don't want you here?"_

_"I'm not here as a profiler or even as part of the team... I'm trying to be a friend to you. Don't shut me out."_

_"Fuck off." I was trying to hurt her. My tone was intentionally venomous. I needed her to leave so I could keep drinking. I couldn't do this in front of her. Fuck myself up in front of her._

_"Let me take you home," her voice was gentle._

_"I'm not going anywhere."_

"Em, are you okay?" This was my JJ: here, now, in this obscure reality where we were lying in her bed on a Sunday morning talking about my fucking binge drinking. "You zoned out on me."

"Sorry. I just remembered—you came to Gresham's. The pub." I tried to keep the guilt out of my voice. I didn't want her to think I owed her any explanation, although obviously I did.

"I had to peel you out of some girl's lap," JJ recalled, and that was news to me.

"Wow. You must really be starting to question how much you know me," I commented wryly.

"Why?" She asked. "Because you have a drinking problem? Because you're attracted to women? Em, those things haven't got anything to do with who you are. I _do _know you."

I couldn't keep the small, sad smile from crossing my lips. "If it helps, you know more about me _last night_ than I do."

"I honestly wouldn't mind forgetting you-last-night," JJ admitted. "I know that wasn't really you."

I wanted to rail against her. Get out of this fucking bed and storm around the house, yell, break something, show her _exactly_ who I was and why she needed to get the fuck away from me before I really hurt her. Instead, I placed a hand over the one she had fisted in the sheets and kept it there until she released the linen and clasped my hand instead.

"What did I do?" I asked as gently as I could.

"I took you home, cleaned you up, made you drink some water..."

"I asked what _I _did, Jen. Not you. There's no way I came quietly."

JJ's eyes met mine with soft determination. "You don't need to know."

"Jesus. That's not good."

"I'm telling you it's not important. It wasn't you," JJ insisted, squeezing my hand.

"But it _was_ me," I sighed. "Don't make excuses. Whatever I did, it was _me_. I chose to drink."

"Emily, it's near impossible for you to choose _not to_ right now, isn't it?" JJ's voice was quiet, understanding. She leaned her forehead against mine and closed her eyes. Reluctantly, I followed suit.

_"Get up, I'm taking you home."_

_Gripping a beer tightly in my right hand, I used my left to yank JJ down onto the stool next me. "What's your hurry, __**Jennifer?**__" I asked roughly. "Have a drink."_

_"Neither of us is having any more to drink tonight, Emily."_

_I laughed. "You think so?"_

_"Emily, I'm telling you to get up right now. I'm taking you home."_

_My lips were on hers before even I realised it. I think she leaned forward, meaning to take my glass away from me, and suddenly we were kissing. Hard. I gripped her wrist, braced against the bar, and pulled her in tight, my tongue sweeping boldly into her mouth._

_"Em," she gasped. "Don't—"_

"I kissed you," I remembered. "At Gresham's."

"Not Gresham's," JJ corrected me. "You'd already shaken me off by then. I found you at a bar two blocks away. Interrupted you chatting up another girl. Another blonde. Is it even the alcohol you're addicted to?" The last part was a half-hearted tease. I knew JJ assumed she was just the third in a string of blondes I'd attempted to hook up with last night. On the one hand, I couldn't stand her thinking that but, on the other, there was no way I could tell her otherwise. Not now. She'd seen enough of my truly pathetic side for one night. She didn't need to know that she was the original to the bad copies. The only one that mattered.

"Right," I tried to force my memory to catch up to the narrative. "We were at Castor and Pollux when I kissed you. Sitting at the bar." Fuck, her bed was the last place we should be talking about this. I could see every flicker of emotion that flashed across her too-near too-blue eyes... "Jesus," I said. "I'm sorry, Jayj."

"I had to tell the blonde I was your girlfriend to get her to back off," JJ explained. "I just took the kiss as you trying to get back at me. You know, for messing up your plans for the evening."

I let out a shuddering breath. "My plan for the evening was to get as fucked up as I reliably could while still being able to find my way home from a stranger's apartment before the sun came up." The bitter reality of my own words was a shock to me. I must have done the same thing twenty times but I'd never expressed the intention aloud before.

"Sorry, Em. It looks likes the sun has already risen," JJ told me quietly and she was right. There was light flickering through a gap in her curtains. It was well and truly morning and I felt exposed.

"What time is it?"

"It doesn't matter. We have nowhere to be."

Her hand was on my arm, holding me in place, before I could move to get up. Her thumb stroked lightly as I fought the urge to abandon her and get as far away as possible. Fuck, I could use a drink...

"Emily, tell me what you're thinking," JJ pleaded. "I have no idea what's going through your head right now."

A whole lot of things. None of them good. I swallowed down the fear.

"What happened after I kissed you?"

"Honestly, not a lot," JJ promised. "I could tell you felt bad about it. You were swinging between being angry with me and being just really, really sorry."

I reached across to tuck a rogue strand of hair behind her ear tentatively. "Jayj, you know I'm not angry with you now, right?"

She smiled. "I know, Em." She clasped my hand again and as she did another memory hit me.

_In the cab my heart beat fast. JJ held my hand protectively. I think she was afraid I'd change my mind about letting her take me home and leap out of the moving car. It was definitely a thought that crossed my mind. But I'd hurt her enough already. I wanted to apologise. Lifting her hand to my lips, I pressed a guilty kiss to the back. JJ's head turned to me, her deep blue eyes considering me carefully._

_"We're just going to sleep, you realise. I'm not taking you back to my place for whatever reason you usually follow women home."_

_**'Whatever reason'—**__like she had any doubt._

_"I know," I reassured her. Still, I turned JJ's hand to place a second kiss against the palm. _

_"Emily," she sighed. _

_She must have been leaning in unconsciously. There was no way she meant to do it. Still, while I could still blame it on the alcohol... I dipped my head towards hers and softly laid a kiss against her lips. It was brief, chaste—a 'first kiss' in defiance of the rough and needy tangle of tongues at the bar. JJ's lips parted for me just as I was going to pull away, maybe even apologise. She kissed me. I __**think **__she kissed me. I hope she did. I opened my mouth against hers and sighed, running one hand through her silken hair while the other squeezed her hand. Her tentative fingers on my neck pulled me closer..._

The memory stopped there. Fuck. I needed to know how it had ended. How had JJ reacted once we inevitably pulled away? Once we reached her apartment did we go straight to bed? No, I knew that wasn't true. At best I'd changed myself, at worst she'd changed me into her clothes herself. She'd also mentioned something about forcing me to drink water. Was that time in the cab the last time I kissed her or had it happened again? Had she said how she felt about it? The first time she'd told me to stop, but the second time...? I wasn't sure.

"Tell me what you're thinking," JJ murmured. "Are you okay?"

I wanted to flat out ask her whether or not she'd enjoyed the kiss in the cab. Had it been my imagination or had she really kissed me back? More than anything I wanted to kiss her again now and see for myself. But without all my memories of the night before intact, I felt vulnerable. Maybe I'd already asked. Maybe she'd already turned me down.

"You remembered something just now," JJ prompted. "What is it? Please don't be embarrassed. I was there. Whatever it is, it's already done and I know."

"I kissed you again in the cab," I sighed and again JJ squeezed my hand.

"In the cab..." She repeated, "And outside my door, and in the kitchen, and here—just a bit—before we fell asleep."

"Why didn't you stop me?" I moaned quietly, avoiding her gaze.

Slowly, JJ tilted my face back toward her. "I didn't let it go too far," she assured me. "Maybe I should have taken a step back as the more sober of the two of us but—to be completely honest, Emily—I didn't want to. You didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to."

I had a brief flash of memory. _JJ, her back up against the kitchen counter, her hands on either side of my neck, pulling me in toward her. Me, leaning down, kissing her deeply, feeling my way around her body. One hand dropped to halt mine as it slid down over her ass and thighs but she didn't pull away. Moving both of my hands up to her waist, it was her who reconnected our lips._

Biting my bottom lip uncertainly I could taste a hint of mint. I was glad I'd brushed my teeth the night before but at the same time I longed to taste her. "I was beyond smashed," I choked out. "And you'd been drinking too—less, but enough to make all of this a bit confusing... I wouldn't blame you if it was just— If that was it. I can't remember how the night ended."

"It ended here," was how JJ explained it. Her eyes fell to my lips briefly and then met mine again. "We were kissing when it all started to hit you. You started crying and apologising— Em, I'm telling you this because it's what happened and you deserve the truth; I'm not trying to embarrass or upset you. You might remember it yourself later so there's no point glossing over it."

"I told you I loved you, didn't I?"

The look in JJ's eyes was enough to tell me the answer was yes.

"Did you mean it?" She asked softly. "It's okay if you didn't. Like you said, you were drunk..."

"How'd you react, Jayj?" I gripped her hand more tightly, desperately. "Fuck. I wish I'd just remember..."

"I didn't say anything," JJ admitted. "If you meant it, I didn't want to take advantage by encouraging you to say things you wouldn't say if you were sober. And if you didn't mean it... Well, that's a non-issue, isn't it? I can pretend it never happened and I know you can - you, with all your walls and compartments..."

"What _walls_, Jayj?" Her sad eyes on mine nearly broke my heart. "Somehow you made me feel safe enough to stay the night with you. Now the sun's come up, I'm in unchartered territory. My memory is patchy but you know absolutely everything that happened last night. I'm terrified. Out-of-my-mind scared. You know about my drinking, you know how I feel about you— Jennifer, I am so damn afraid I've fucked up my relationship with the only person who _really _matters to me and that's you. I just want to sort this out between us. I haven't got any walls left."

JJ's hands came to rest on my neck just as they had last night, pulling my face toward hers. "Then tell me you meant it," she whispered, her breath warm against my cheek. "Tell me you really do love me and, I swear, Em, we can figure everything else out. Just tell me you meant it."

"I meant it." I could scarcely get the words out of my mouth fast enough. "Jennifer, I love you."

The touch of her lips had me giddy enough to believe I'd never need another drink in my life.


End file.
